This Brave Body: The Lindsay Story
Living with an eating disorder looked like a pathway, a road with choices, decisions to make. Seemingly always choosing a dark path of aggravation and self-destruction. Almost like I had no choice and developing an affinity to these dark roads.
Was this real? What is real? The questions flooded me everyday and left me feeling so upside down.
Such limiting and judgmental beliefs about myself led me to believe that if I strayed from this path, I wouldn’t know what to do. I was asking on eggshells and they were crumbling inside me.
Carrying this weight of guilt around left me feeling so imbalanced and the struggle within me held a tightness like a rubber band that could snap at any point. Knowing I was living a lie and always wondering..
Could I ever really live my truth?
But healing felt different. It was like finally breathing in fresh, clean air.
A release. Stepping outside, seeing the sun, feeling its warmth wrap around me. It all felt so real and calm. I was moving. I was living. I was experiencing things moment to moment. I felt strong knowing I was able to open myself up to all this beauty.
Eyes wide open, being free from the restrictions I had once placed on myself, finally accepting I had the ability to change my life and choose a different road. I actually had options! I smiled all the time.
As my selfishness waned, my heart grew. Taking the burden off me and letting others in expanded my capacity to love. I was not alone. Peace and acceptance flowed more easily than I could ever imagine.
Healing, to me, was like giving myself a big hug (with eyes closed). Breathing in patience and out fear. Appreciating each moment for what it was. Patting myself on the back and saying “you’ve got this”.
Every day is different, but I know now that I have the courage to make the most of it. Rain or shine.