#iwentfirst: To Use My Voice
When I was 15 years old I got into a relationship with a guy who seemed like everything I could ever want.
We liked the same things. We did everything together. Then things started to change.
We started to fight over the smallest of things. He would yell at me if I wouldn’t text him back right away, then he would break up with me over and over again. I would cry and say i’m sorry even though I didn’t do anything wrong. This went on for the rest of the year and a half we were together. He would constantly playmind games and verbally abuse me. One time he started an argument and got so mad he punched a brick wall. Later that night he sent me a picture of his bloody fist and told me it was my fault.
I didn’t feel safe for most of the relationship. Can you even imagine your 15 year-old self, son or daughter being to scared to go to school because she or he knows what will be coming when they do. Every time I would try to leave the abusive relationship, he would threaten his life if I would leave. He followed me through the hallways of school and was tried to fight with me constantly.
Once, he was following me and when we got to the top of the stairs, he pushed me against a wall and forced me to talk to him. Eventually a security guard pulled him off me. I ran to my next class crying my eyes out, scared to death. What no one knows is that when he pushed me against the wall, I had a flashback to when my father beat my mom till she was bloody and bruised. In that moment I thought he was going to beat me in school. Even after the relationship was finally over, the mental abuse still continued. He would tell my friends he was going trip me in the hallways, put a knife in my backpack, and then report me.
Many months later, I had the chance to share my story in Love Girls Magazine in a centerfold called “Dealing with Divorce”. The story focused on redefining the word “divorce” and allowed me to share what happened between my parents, growing up in an abusive household, and how that effected me personally.
After my article came out, I found out he had a new girlfriend who was an incoming freshmen who didn’t know anything about what had happened. Over time, I heard rumors of him treating her badly, so I had to go talk to her. I showed her the article I had written where I shared my story. She told me everything that had happened and confided in me. She told me that he had done all of the things that he had done to me, to her. I gave her the resources to get the help she needed, and she broke up with him the next day, allowing her to start to feel safe again.
After that day, I truly found my purpose in life at 17 years old! I realized that I couldn’t let the bad things that happened to me control my life. I had to turn what happened into something positive, to be able to use my voice and to help others get the courage to use theirs. I needed to help them recognize the red flags in relationships and the cycle of abuse. No woman or man should have to go through what I went through. This is my contagious courage, and when it is time, you will be able to tell yours.
Just know that if you are a survivor, you survived for a reason.
You are meant to tell your story. You’re not only helping yourself heal but you are helping others gain the courage to tell their stories and letting them know that they are not alone.
You are STRONG, BRAVE and BEAUTIFUL! NEVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF!
#iwentfirst is a gallery of photos and captions from women who stood in the power of their own contagious courage, and decided to “go first” by telling the world what it means for them to take up space.
Have your own story of contagious courage?